I’m really upset with myself.
for 4 years, I’ve been rejecting wonderful guys because I’ve been “in love”. “In love” with an asshole who put me down, made me feel worthless, and always made me feel not good enough. I finally realize I wasn’t really in love with him the entire time. it was love at first, but then it became an obsession of being good enough for him. I started playing a sport I had never played, I started listening to different music, I started using swear words less, and I did everything I could to make myself more physically attractive for him. it was never about bettering myself, I did it to impress him, but he still didn’t want me. I even gave myself up to him, and he still didn’t want me. he always told me he loved me and that I was his best friend, but I never understood why I wasn’t enough to be his girlfriend. now I know he only kept me around as a sex object, and a shoulder to cry on when he needed to whine. I treated him like gold.
my point is, I’m disappointed in myself because throughout that time I had opportunities for wonderful healthy relationships. one with a guy two years older than me, who wanted nothing but the best for me and would have done anything to get me to like him. he now has a girlfriend and he’s happy, and I wish I had taken the opportunity and been happy with him. another was over the summer, and we had been talking and he was extremely interesting, but I screwed it up by getting with “the asshole” and realizing I wasn’t over “the asshole”.
I was so brainwashed i gave up wonderful opportunities for healthy happy relationships.
it took 4 years for me to realize that he’s an idiot who will never understand how much he lost, because I would have given him the world. but, it’s not what he wanted, and he’s not what I want anymore either.
I will not be treated like shit.
I am good enough.
I am strong.